Confessions of a Sports Parent: The Scoreboard

Happy New Year to you and your family.

As the holidays have come and gone, and most of us are back into our routines, it can only mean one thing…back to driving our kids all over creation to their respective sporting events. As a result, I thought it would be fun to resume writing about the random thoughts I sometimes have while sitting on a sideline as a parent.

This week, I find myself musing over a topic that always brings about a heated debate among parents and organizations. That is the debate surrounding the scoreboard. How important is it? What does it mean? Is it even needed? Is it the only thing needed?

Like most things in our culture today, the two extremes rule the conversation. On the one hand, some think the end score means everything. It is the win-at-all-costs mentality that usually ends up doing damage to a child’s physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. Not to mention exposing the inner state of the adult imposing this mentality on children. We all have indeed witnessed this kind of behavior somewhere along the line.

On the other hand, we have those who think we should do away with the scoreboard, especially in the younger years, as they believe it will somehow protect their child from dealing with defeat or failure. Although this approach is usually instituted as a direct refutation of the win-at-all-costs mentality, it may be equally damaging to a child’s emotional and spiritual growth and well-being.

My first observation about these two approaches to the scoreboard is that although they seem like opposites, they ultimately seem to be saying the same thing. Simply put, both sides feel the scoreboard means too much, and it is either all that matters or that it matters so much that we need to take it down. Using a religious term here, both seem to “idolize” what the scoreboard represents.

Being a win-at-all-costs believer as a teenager certainly enhanced my athletic stature. Yet, it simultaneously damaged my emotional and spiritual psyche because, for me, the results of a scoreboard were tied to my identity.

Going out on a limb here, many of those who exaggerate the results of what the scoreboard represents, both winning and losing, are attaching their or their child’s identity to a number on a scoreboard. In some ways, the scoreboard in American youth sports has become a fixed representation of a child’s worth and the catalyst to compare and compete with other adults, families, and children for superiority. No wonder people want to take it down. That said, by taking it down, aren’t we justifying the same importance? By taking it down, we are saying we can’t risk our children (or us) being looked at as a loser or less than someone else. It simply means too much.

There may be a third way…one that comes with a whole different mindset and void of an identity attachment to the results of a scoreboard.

A friend of mine often used to say that we need to teach children to be stronger than the outcome of a score. In other words, the score is just what it is, a result of something. It can teach us many things about preparation, teamwork, work ethic, and maturation. Ultimately, the score is not THE big deal, but the process is.

I encourage some of you to listen to some of Kobe Bryant’s past interviews. On the surface, Kobe wanted to win like no other, yet when you hear him speak, he rarely talked about results; instead, he would often talk about the process of becoming great…winning being the by-product.

We live in a very result-based culture. Therefore, a mindset stressing the importance of “a process” for many Americans is counter-intuitive. Yet, a result-based approach is fixed. (Win/Lose) Leaving little room to grow. While “the process” approach is more about a growth mindset. There is a wonderful book by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D., named Mindset, where she uses scientific research to dissect the differences between the two ways of thinking and the ramifications of both.

“Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better?”

Carol S. Dweck

In conclusion of these random thoughts, I want to underscore the importance of losing. (No, I don’t condone losing on purpose.) Instead, if we approach the scoreboard with a healthy mindset, absent of an attachment to identity, dealing with losing might be the most important lesson we can teach a child.

As adults, our lives over time are about the slow process of losing. Losing hair. Losing health. Losing our careers. Losing loved ones. Which, on the surface, can feel a bit depressing. Yet, it doesn’t have to be. I love being around elderly folks who have learned this valuable lesson. They exude wisdom and joy in the face of despair. They seem to have deep soulful happiness from a lifelong acceptance of losing. (Talk about wisdom paradox). Somehow, especially from the soul perspective, falling means to rise; wounds are unavoidable and necessary, even becoming the birthplace of grace.

Who knew that the giant scoreboard that overshadows the field and all who look upon it with such anxiety could offer such beautiful insight into what it means to be human.