Finding Freedom

I recently read an article that suggested that those over the age of 70 feel more content and are happier now more than at any other point in their lives.  Some of the reasons proposed were more free time to do what they enjoyed such as hobbies and spending time with family and friends.  Other reasons suggested worrying less and not caring what other people think anymore.

What freedom.

Freedom to do what you want, and whom to do it with, yet more importantly experiencing an interior freedom as well.

I am a few years from 70, well 30 to be exact in September, but I long for the interior freedom that this study suggests.  Freedom from not only the weight of what others think but also the freedom from ideals.

The perfectionist in me has served me well for the first half of my life.  It drove me in all facets; the athletic field, the classroom, even the moral life.  It gave me the standards in which I strived to achieve.  That being said, the transition into the second half of my life has been about recognizing things that were once strengths now being weaknesses.  What used to work doesn’t anymore, and those things that used to drive me to act, now prevent me to act at all.

The story of the river comes to mind here.

The rules, the laws, the moral life have always been the banks of the river for me.  They have kept me from floating all over the place and have moved me down the river to a somewhat productive life, while hopefully helping me become somewhat of a “good” person along the way.  (Whatever that means)

For the first half of my life these banks served me well.  That said, in this stage of my life I realize that the banks have always been my sole focus.  My life consisted of living up to the lofty ideals or not.  And my perfectionist side was the high powered engine of the boat that kept me moving towards those lofty ideals.

The freedom that I long for now is not that those banks disappear but that my focus shifts.  I long to shift my eyes from the unattainable ideals to the beautiful flowing water that floats the boat effortlessly down the river of life.   This same water that gets choppy, rough, often times overflowing over the banks, even sometimes drying up, but water that keeps moving towards its end point, usually the serene stillness of a lake.

In other words, it is the freedom of knowing, accepting, and smiling within my faults instead of hating them.  It is allowing the ideals to do their job without focusing on them as the big deal.  The big deal being my life as a whole, and those people who share my life with me.

I haven’t written much in the last year partly because of this beautiful painful transition.  A transition that has been about giving myself permission to shift my focus from the things that used to give me purpose, to the things that give me life today.  I love music.  I love men’s fashion.  I love things from an older generation (houses, furniture, cars, antiques) and I have grown to love taking pictures (hence my multiple Instagram accounts which even confuse me).  Yet most importantly I am learning to love the people who are in my life.  Not because I am supposed to, but because I actually do.  It is the freedom of just being.  Being with my wounds, scars, failures, virtues, goodness, while being with others who also have their own wounds, scars, failures, virtues, and goodness.  Laughing and crying together in this beautiful mess we call life and hopefully doing so with a scotch, cigar, and Sinatra playing in the background.

“We must learn to regard people less in light of what they do or omit to do, and more in the light of what they suffer.”

– Dietrich Bonhoeffer

There is a little creek that is just outside our front door that my two boys love riding their bikes next to.  I love to walk behind them as they ride.  As I watch them, I can’t help but notice the water flowing.  It captivates me.  It’s only recently though that the water has become my sole focus.

I guess I still have some time before I reach 70, but in a small way, the walk along the creek makes me feel so.

What freedom.