Perfectly Average

Without a doubt being a parent is one of the most rewarding and difficult vocations that there is. I think every parent knows this. This certainly isn’t anything new. It truly is self-giving. This is probably why it is so rewarding because it truly isn’t about you at the end of the day. As parents, we certainly get our daily reminders of that. (The once-a-month slight nods of appreciation from our kids before right back to not being able to put your dirty dishes in the dishwasher, WHAT IS THAT!!)

I recently had a conversation with some parents about the idea of our kids being average. I remember the look on their faces as if I called my son a bad word or something. I realized that somehow the concept of a child being average at something had been lost within the vernacular of parents nowadays. It’s almost as if a child is average at something, a subject in school, a sport, etc.…not only is that child looked upon as having a deficiency of some sort, but as parents of that average child, we must answer to “What the hell are you doing to them?”

All of this weighed on me a bit, so I started to think about my “okay-ness” with my boys being average at something. I certainly didn’t always have this approach in life, so I thought about my upbringing and maybe, more importantly, my journey into adulthood.

I was very fortunate to grow up in a household for it to be “ok” not to excel in something that I didn’t possess a talent in. This didn’t mean I was not expected to work hard and do my very best within that area; it just meant that the expectation was to be myself—nothing more, nothing less. As a result, it gave me the freedom to explore my talents and strengths with vigor, passion, and a work ethic to succeed. Consequently, this kind of atmosphere emphasized the process and not the results. The journey was a big deal, not the destination. I am very grateful for that.

Knowing this was the freedom I enjoyed as a child growing up, what changed? I was left thinking about my life into adulthood and where and when I became such a perfectionist. Somewhere in my late teens and early twenties, I had developed one hell of an ego. In other words, ego meaning I got pretty good at the whole facade thing.

“Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It’s a shield.”
-Brene Brown

Somehow I had developed a mindset that I had to be perfect in everything that I did. I was hooked on results. I guess, in some ways, it worked. I was playing professional baseball and was Valedictorian in college. In other ways, not so much. The pressure from within was not only unmanageable; it was beginning to give me major anxiety. My need for perfection in the classroom and sports was one thing, but the area that ultimately drove me to my necessary fall (thank God) was my need to be a perfect human being. OUCH!!!

The fear of letting someone down. The anxiety of being “found out” that I was not a nice person at times. The pressure to be “good” all the time was driving me to become the opposite of what I was trying to accomplish. “Accomplish” being the right word there. I looked at God in that way too. His love for me was somehow congruent with how well I did that day. If I had a good day without “sin,” I was loved. Which, by the way, also meant that I WON, another notch for the ego. If I didn’t have a good day, it produced a double bind. I not only thought I was not loved, but I LOST. (I think losing hurt more).

Much like my drive in sports and the classroom, the need for perfection in my moral life didn’t come without good things happening as well. I did try to do a lot of positive things within the community. Which I am very proud of too.

That said, around my mid-thirties, it was time for my perfection mindset as I saw it to be adjusted. It needed to be refined. And the only way that was going to happen was to be exposed and transformed.

I look back at my twenties and early thirties, not as a bad thing. It helped me get to where I am today. It allowed me to expand and see myself, others, and God in a new, clearer way. We need that kind of first half of life thinking, that ego, for the second half of life soul to be lived.

As a result, “perfection” has a different meaning for me today, and therefore has given me a new way of seeing others, especially my kids. In some ways, I have found comfort in being “perfectly average.”

“If there is such a thing as human perfection, it seems to emerge precisely from how we handle the imperfection that is everywhere, especially our own. What a clever place for God to hide holiness so that only the humble and earnest will find it! A “perfect” person ends up being one who can consciously forgive and include imperfection rather than one who thinks he or she is totally above and beyond imperfection.”
-Richard Rohr

We have a saying in this house when one of our boys leaves for school or other activities. They both know it and kind of roll their eyes as they repeat it. (Deep down, I think they yearn to say it and hear it be said to them.) “Be Jack.” “Be Andrew.” Nothing more, nothing less.

By the way, this coming from their average, “work in progress”, stay at home father.